What can I do if my ex stops me seeing my child?

The answer in 30 seconds

If your ex stops you seeing your child:

1. Do not panic or retaliate.
2. Find out why contact has stopped.
3. Check whether there is already a court order or any other restriction in place.
4. Keep important communication calm and in writing where safe and permitted.
5. Make one clear and reasonable proposal for seeing your child.
6. Keep a factual record of what happens.
7. Consider mediation if you cannot agree.
8. If there is already a court order that is not being followed, enforcement may be possible.
9. If there is no order and agreement cannot be reached, applying to the family court may eventually become an option.

Do not repeatedly message, turn up unannounced, involve your child in the dispute or stop paying child maintenance.

Your aim is not to win an argument with the other parent.

Your aim is to find a safe, workable way for your child to maintain their relationship with you.

1. First, understand the situation

Before deciding what to do next, establish exactly what has changed.

Check:

• when you last saw or spoke to your child;
• what arrangement was supposed to happen;
• what explanation has been given;
• whether contact has stopped completely or has only reduced;
• whether there is an existing court order;
• whether any police condition or other formal restriction applies; and
• whether a safety concern has been raised.

The correct next step depends heavily on which of these situations applies.

For example, the options available when an existing Child Arrangements Order is not being followed are different from the options available when there has never been a court order.

Likewise, if contact has stopped because a safety concern has been raised, that needs to be approached differently from a straightforward disagreement about arrangements.

Start by understanding which situation you are actually dealing with.

2. Do not react in anger

The first few days matter.

One angry message, confrontation or unannounced visit can make an already difficult situation worse.

Do not:

• repeatedly call or message;
• send threats;
• turn up at the other parent's home;
• turn up unexpectedly at school or nursery;
• create new accounts if you have been blocked;
• ask relatives or friends to put pressure on the other parent;
• post allegations on social media;
• involve your child in the argument; or
• stop paying child maintenance because contact has stopped.

One calm message is usually stronger than thirty emotional ones.

If you are extremely angry, do not send anything until you have calmed down.

3. Send one clear written message

Where communication is safe and permitted, use text or email.

Keep it:

• brief;
• polite;
• factual;
• focused on your child; and
• easy to answer.

If you already had an arrangement, you might say:

I was due to collect the children at 4pm today, but the handover did not take place. Please confirm that they are safe and let me know what has changed. I am available for replacement time on Saturday or Sunday. Please let me know which works, or suggest a practical alternative.

If there was no regular arrangement, you might say:

I would like to agree regular time with the children. I suggest seeing them this Saturday from 10am to 5pm. If Saturday does not work, I am also available on Sunday. Please let me know which option works, or suggest another practical arrangement.

Try to make a proposal rather than simply asking:

When can I see the kids?

A useful proposal gives the other parent something specific to respond to.

4. Is there already a court order?

This makes a major difference.

If there is a court order

Read the actual sealed order carefully.

Check:

• the days and times;
• collection and return arrangements;
• handover location;
• whether contact is direct or supervised;
• whether calls or video contact are included; and
• whether anything had to happen before contact could take place.

If the order clearly says contact should happen and it is not being followed, there may have been a breach.

Do not automatically assume every missed contact session requires an enforcement application.

There may be an explanation.

But repeated failure to follow a Child Arrangements Order can be taken back to the family court.

The usual application for enforcement is made using form C79.

The court can consider:

• what the order required;
• what actually happened;
• why it happened;
• whether there was a reasonable explanation;
• whether the order remains workable; and
• what arrangement now best supports the child.

Possible outcomes can include:

• the existing order continuing;
• clearer arrangements;
• replacement time;
• changes to the order;
• enforcement action; or
• other directions.

Do not breach the order yourself because the other parent has breached it.

Continue following your own obligations.

If there is no court order

There is no court-ordered timetable to enforce.

That does not mean the other parent automatically gets to decide that you will never see your child again.

It means you need to try to agree arrangements or, if agreement is not possible, consider the next available process.

Start with one clear written proposal.

If you cannot reach agreement, mediation may be the next sensible step.

5. What if my ex says there is a safety risk?

Take the concern seriously.

Do not immediately reply:

That is a lie.

Ask what the specific concern is.

A safety concern could relate to:

• domestic abuse;
• alcohol or drugs;
• unsafe driving;
• mental health;
• arguments at handover;
• people living in the home;
• poor supervision;
• something the child has said; or
• another safeguarding issue.

An allegation is not automatically a proven fact.

But an allegation should not simply be ignored because you disagree with it.

Ask for the concern to be explained clearly.

Then respond to the actual issue.

For example:

I take any concern about the children's safety seriously. Please explain the specific concern so I can respond to it properly. I would like to find a safe way for the children to continue their relationship with me while the issue is clarified.

Depending on the concern, a temporary arrangement might include:

• a neutral handover point;
• shorter daytime contact;
• supported or supervised contact;
• contact in a public place;
• an agreed third person handling handover; or
• telephone or video contact.

If you dispute the allegation, you can say so.

You do not need to pretend that you agree with something simply to appear cooperative.

6. What if my child says they do not want to see me?

This can be devastating.

Try not to immediately assume:

My ex has turned my child against me.

Children can resist contact for many reasons.

They may be:

• upset about the separation;
• frightened about something;
• uncomfortable with handovers;
• worried about overnight stays;
• caught in parental conflict;
• angry with you;
• worried about upsetting the other parent;
• struggling after a long gap in contact; or
• dealing with ordinary pressures involving school, friends or activities.

Listen before deciding why it has happened.

Do not:

• make your child feel guilty;
• demand that they explain themselves;
• ask them to choose between parents;
• ask them whether the other parent told them what to say; or
• make them responsible for your distress.

Sometimes the next step may need to be smaller.

That could mean:

• a short daytime visit;
• meeting somewhere familiar;
• avoiding an overnight stay temporarily;
• a short phone or video call; or
• another low-pressure form of contact.

The aim is to understand what is happening and protect the relationship, not force your child to solve the adult dispute.

7. Keep a factual record

Save:

• messages;
• emails;
• the current court order;
• dates of missed contact;
• explanations that were given;
• proposals you made;
• replies you received; and
• any replacement time that was offered.

Keep your own notes short and factual.

For example:

13 September, 4pm: attended agreed handover location. Handover did not take place. Sent one message at 4.15pm asking what had changed and proposing replacement time on Sunday.

Avoid adding assumptions about why something happened.

If the dispute later reaches mediation, Cafcass or the family court, a clear record of events is much more useful than pages of angry commentary.

8. Should I keep contacting my child?

Where communication is safe and permitted, do not simply disappear.

But do not overwhelm your child either.

If direct contact has stopped, a calm message might say:

I love you. I am thinking about you. You do not need to reply. I hope school is going well and I am here when you need me.

Keep communication:

• warm;
• brief;
• predictable;
• free from pressure; and
• focused on your child.

Do not ask your child to:

• explain the dispute;
• pass messages;
• gather information;
• reassure you;
• take sides; or
• arrange contact themselves.

Consistency matters more than intensity.

9. Can mediation help?

Sometimes.

Family mediation gives separated parents a structured way to discuss arrangements with the help of an independent mediator.

The mediator does not:

• take sides;
• decide who is right;
• impose an arrangement; or
• act as your legal representative.

They help both parents try to reach their own agreement.

Mediation can cover things such as:

• when the child spends time with each parent;
• handovers;
• calls and video contact;
• holidays;
• gradual arrangements; and
• how information is shared.

You will normally begin with a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, usually called a MIAM.

The other parent cannot be forced to mediate.

They may:

• agree;
• attend a MIAM but decide not to continue;
• refuse; or
• not respond.

If mediation is unsuitable, refused or unsuccessful, you can then consider what other options are available.

10. When might court become necessary?

Court should not usually be your first response to contact stopping.

But there are situations where a court application may become one of the available options.

For example:

• contact has stopped and attempts to agree arrangements have failed;
• mediation has been refused;
• mediation is unsuitable;
• mediation has taken place but no agreement was reached;
• an existing order is repeatedly not being followed; or
• an important issue about your child cannot be agreed.

If there is no existing order and you want the court to decide where your child lives or when they spend time with you, this will usually involve applying for a Child Arrangements Order.

Understand the risks before you apply

Before making a family court application, read the free Dads Who Care guide:

What are the risks of going to family court?

Applying to court can sometimes be necessary.

But it can also introduce new risks, costs and complications.

Once proceedings begin, the court process may involve:

• Cafcass safeguarding checks;
• allegations being raised or examined;
• reports and assessments;
• temporary changes to contact;
• several hearings;
• legal or representation costs;
• significant delay; and
• ultimately a court making decisions about your child that neither parent fully controls.

That does not mean you should avoid court where it is genuinely needed.

It means you should understand what starting proceedings can involve before deciding to apply.

Do not make a court application simply because you are angry, frightened or want to put pressure on the other parent.

Understand the process, understand the risks and be clear about what you are asking the court to decide.

11. What should I not do?

If your ex stops you seeing your child, avoid actions that can make the situation harder.

Do not:

• threaten the other parent;
• bombard them with messages;
• turn up unannounced;
• confront them at school;
• ask your child to choose sides;
• secretly use your child to gather evidence;
• post about the dispute online;
• stop child maintenance;
• ignore police conditions;
• ignore a court order; or
• start court proceedings purely to frighten or punish the other parent.

Be calm, reasonable and child-focused.

Clear communication and a factual record will usually help you more than retaliation.

12. What should I do next?

The correct next step depends on why contact has stopped.

There is already a court order

Read the order carefully and record any breaches.

If the problem continues, you may need to consider enforcement.

There is no court order

Make one clear written proposal.

If you cannot agree, consider mediation.

A safety concern has been raised

Ask for the concern to be explained clearly.

Respond to the specific issue and consider whether a safe temporary arrangement is possible.

Your child says they do not want contact

Listen.

Do not pressure them.

Try to understand what feels difficult and whether a smaller next step may help.

Mediation has failed or cannot take place

It may be time to learn about the family court process and decide whether an application is appropriate.

Before applying, read:

What are the risks of going to family court?

Quick checklist

• I understand what has changed.
• I checked whether a court order or other restriction applies.
• I kept my communication calm and in writing where permitted.
• I made one clear proposal for contact.
• I did not repeatedly message or turn up unannounced.
• I kept my child out of the adult dispute.
• I saved important messages and documents.
• I continued paying child maintenance.
• I identified whether there is an existing order.
• I understand whether a safety concern has been raised.
• I considered mediation where appropriate.
• I understand that court may eventually be an option if agreement cannot be reached.
• I have considered the risks of starting family court proceedings before deciding whether to apply.

Final reminder

Having contact with your child stopped can feel unbearable.

Do not let that push you into behaviour that makes the situation harder.

Start by understanding what has changed.

Stay calm.

Make one reasonable proposal.

Keep your child out of the conflict.

Then choose the next process that matches what is actually happening.

You do not need to solve the entire situation today.

You need to take the next sensible step.